


Slowly Healing

by LucindaAM



Series: Write For Me [4]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Graphic descriptions of panic attacks, Heaaaavier angst than usual guys, Light Swearing, No Smut, fluff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:21:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26706658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM
Summary: You and Natasha have a long history. Not all of it's good. You also happen to have shielding powers.Sometimes you use them to wrap your heart up so tight, no one will ever be able to get in it again.Steve's a stubborn bastard though and he refuses to give up on you.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Reader
Series: Write For Me [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997872
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	Slowly Healing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChangelingChild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangelingChild/gifts).



> ChangelingChild - I've had this story half started, just sitting in my docs folder for MONTHS. It didn't come together until your request hit my inbox. 
> 
> I hope it speaks to you as much as it did to me.

Steve loved your powers. He did. Your ability to throw up shields at a moments notice had saved your life more than once. In fact, it was one of the few reasons he’d been so willing to let you out into the field when you’d requested it. Forty-seven missions and counting and you’d still yet to be injured. 

He’d count that as a win. 

There was just one time he DIDN’T like your powers. And that’s when you were using them to keep him out. 

“Doll! Let me in! Let me in!” Steve cried desperately, pounding on shield of energy that was keeping the two of you separated. 

You were cowering in the corner of the common room. Your legs were curled up in front of you and your hands were pressed tightly against the sides of your temples. Your mouth was opened in some kind of horrific scream that your shield was blocking him from hearing. Your eyes were squeezed shut as though you were doing your best not to relieve some horrible memory. 

Steve sank to his knees in front of your shield, his pounding growing weaker as you continued, locked in a hell of your own making, him unable to get to you. 

Steve leaned his forehead against the shield. “Please, let me in sweetheart. Just . . . just let me in.” He pleaded. 

You didn’t hear him. 

Steve felt a helplessness envelope him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. You were in there, and he was out here. There was no saving you from this kind of monster. Steve laid on the ground and put a hand on your shield. “I’m here, sweetheart. I’m here.” He murmured over and over again, desperately hoping that you’d somehow be able to hear him. 

You never did, but at the edge of your consciousness you knew he was there. And for now, that was enough. 

Hours later, when both you and Steve had reached the limits of your emotional endurance, your shield flickered and faded. Steve glanced over at you as you collapsed forward. You reached a shaking hand across the carpet for him and he didn’t hesitate to crawl towards you. He wrapped you in his arms and shook you back and forth as he whispered nonsense into your ear. 

The rest of the team found you the next morning, slumped together in the corner. Bucky and Nat had exchanged a knowing look and Bucky had reached down and plucked you from Steve’s grasp before he carried you off to your bed. Steve had woken with a start and glanced around for you, heart racing when you were nowhere to be found. 

“She’s okay, Steve.” Nat had whispered, putting a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Bucky took her to bed.” 

Steve slumped in relief. Angry tears filled his eyes and he brushed at them just as angrily. “I don’t know what to do, Nat. She . . . she won’t talk to me.” 

Nat shook her head slowly. “There are some demons we don’t share with anyone.” She whispered. Steve looked up and saw Nat’s own demons in her eyes and he nodded softly. 

“I just want her to be happy.” He murmured. 

Natasha nodded and helped him to his feet. “You do make her happy, Steve. Trust that. And know that no one can make anyone happy all the time. Just . . . let it be enough that you make her happy now.” 

Steve’s shoulders slumped but he nodded and moved to head towards his own room. Natasha flung out a hand and caught him before he left. Steve glanced back. 

“I . . .” Natasha swallowed hard. “I’ll talk to her.” She said. “Maybe she’ll open up to me.” 

Steve glanced at her gratefully and nodded. “Thanks, Nat. I’d appreciate that.” 

Natasha let him go and curled her hands into fists before anyone could see how they’d started shaking. She took a deep breath. “FRIDAY? Let me know when she wakes up, will you?” She asked. 

The AI hummed in acknowledgement and Natasha went to raid some calming tea from Bruce’s secret stash. 

When you woke up, your head was foggy. You vaguely remembered the past few hours but the familiar ache in your arms said that you’d probably relapsed again. You sighed as you pushed yourself up into bed. 

“How are you feeling?” A voice called from the shadows. 

You tensed. “Been better.” You said after a minute. 

Natasha sighed as she stepped into the light. Your fingers flexed and you had to physically fight back the urge to throw one of your shields up. You were SAFE. FRIDAY wouldn’t let anything happen to you. 

“You still don’t trust me.” Natasha observed quietly, watching your hands. 

You shook your head. “Do you blame me, Madame Natalia?” You asked bitterly. 

Natasha nodded and glanced away but not before you saw the hint of tears in her eyes. “I wish I could take the pain away from you. The pain of . . . remembering. The chair . . .” Natasha let out a deep breath. “The chair they used on Barnes. It was a curse, but in some ways it was a blessing too.” 

You closed your eyes and felt the tears welling up in your eyes. Sparks flew from your fingers as you continued resisting the natural urge to protect yourself. The need to do so was almost overwhelming as you remembered the pain the memory chair could inflict as it tore you apart memory by memory and put you back again. 

“I miss it.” You admitted, eyes still closed. “I miss not remembering sometimes. I miss . . . not feeling anything.” 

Natasha took a few hesitant steps towards your bed. Though your eyes were closed, she knew you knew she was there. When a shield didn’t immediately push her out of the way, she took another deep breath and closed the distance. She sat on the edge of your bed and glanced at her hands. 

“Do you really wish that you didn’t have Steve? Or Wanda? Or Sam?” She asked quietly. 

You paused for a long moment as you thought about it and you slowly shook your head. 

“Malen’kaya kukla . . .” Nat whispered with tears in her eyes. She reached a shaking hand towards you and ran a hand down the side of your face. “Sometimes we have to pass through the worst trials to find the greatest happiness's.” 

You shuddered against her hand and tears started to fall down your face. Nat withdrew her hand but froze when you grabbed at her wrist. For a single moment, she thought you were going to attack, but instead you flung yourself at her and wrapped her tightly in a hug. 

“Mne zhal’, chto tebe tozhe bylo bol’no.” You cried into her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry you were hurt too.’ 

Natasha shook her head and ran her hands down your back. “It’s okay. It’s okay Malen’kaya kukla. It’s okay because we saved you and the others and you will never have to go back again. I swear it.” 

You pulled away to look at the fire in her eyes and for the first time since you came to the tower, you let it go. You let the pain and the hurt and the bitterness that had been festering in your heart for everything they’d done to you, and you purposefully Let. It. Go. 

Your deep sigh was shaky and weak, but Natasha seemed to understand what it was for anyway. She smiled softly, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes as she reached up a hand to brush your tears aside. “It will take time.” She warned. “A lifetime of hurt can’t be erased with a single thought, but you’ll be okay. You’re strong. Stronger than I was.” 

You shook your head and chuckled. “I don’t feel strong.” You admitted. You looked down at the arms that were covered in scars. Some you’d done yourself, some others had made for you. All of them told a story of a life of pain and suffering. 

Nat wrapped one of her hands over your arms and shook her head. “Scars show the most strength of all.” She said, tracing a few of the lines. Ones that the both of you knew she had a had personally delivered. “Scars show that you were hurt bad enough to bleed. Some would stay down. But you didn’t. You got up and fought harder.” 

Tears were spilling down your eyes now and your vision blurred as she continued tracing your scars. 

“You’re stronger than you realize.” She said. “Don’t let anyone ever let you doubt it.” 

You nodded and Natasha reached up to press a kiss to your forehead. She turned to leave the room but just before she got to the door, she turned around and glanced at you. “Just because you’re strong, doesn’t mean there isn’t room to lean on others when you need it.” She said. 

And with that she slipped out of the room. 

Natasha shut the door behind her and leaned against it heavily. Steve was pacing around outside. He took one look at Nat’s pale face and swallowed hard. “How is she?” He asked. 

Natasha smiled sadly. “She’s got a lot to go through. But she’s better than she was.” 

Steve smiled sadly back. “That’s all anyone can ask for.” He said. 

Natasha nodded and gestured at the door with her head. “Go on in. I think she needs a shoulder to lean on.” 

Steve nodded once and sent Nat one last grateful smile before he opened your door and slipped inside. 

Steve called your name softly as he approached the bed. You were sitting against the headboard with tears streaming down your face. You picked at the comforter as you stared off into the distance. 

Steve called your name again and your eyes welled with new tears as your eyes met. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Steve murmured, sitting on your bed and pulling you to his chest. He pressed a firm kiss to the top of your head as you rained tears onto his shirt. “You’re okay. You’re safe.” He muttered over and over again. 

Eventually, your tears dried for the second time that night and you leaned away from him. “I know.” You said softly. “I know I’m safe.” You reached up a hand and brushed away Steve’s own tears. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying. 

For a moment the two of you sat in silence, just watching each other. 

Finally, Steve broke the quiet. “What are you thinking about?” He asked softly. 

Your eyes drifted to a point on the wall just over his shoulder. “I . . . I was remembering the . . . red room.” Your eyes squeezed shut and your hands clenched. A shield exploded out around you, caging you and Steve inside. 

Your eyes flew open and you glanced around. “I’m sorry.” You mumbled, opening your hands and willing your shield to go away. 

It wouldn’t. 

Steve shook his head and took your hands in his. “You never have to apologize, sweetheart. Never.” 

He looked at you as though he had something else to say and didn’t quite know how to mention it. 

You smiled at him wryly. “But?” You prompted. 

Steve chuckled and glanced at the rainbow of colors at was keeping the two of you safe from the outside world. “But how about from now on, you let me stay on this side of it?” He asked quietly. 

He reached out and tucked his fingers under your chin. “You’re not alone here, doll. Don’t let yourself be alone in HERE either.” 

You glanced at Steve’s earnest expression and felt the tears return, but you could only nod seriously at the promise you saw in his eyes. 

“Let me hear you say it, please.” 

“I promise.” You gasped out. 

Steve smile softly and pressed a kiss against your cheek. 

The two of you had a lot left to figure out. Your new life was different from your old one. You had once dreamed of being a dancer. 

Now you were an assassin and a spy. 

You’d had to do horrible things in order to survive and horrible things had been done to you. 

But you weren’t alone. 

And you never would be again. 

It was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I heard something once that went; "Sometimes we think our world is falling apart when really it's just falling together."
> 
> Sometimes we go through hard things and think there's no way we will make it.
> 
> Sometimes those hard things just make us the heroes we were always meant to be. You don't have to have superpowers to be super.


End file.
